Alpo was a Punk Rocker, And my Step-Father Options

My step father was a punk rocker and his name was Allen Paulino.
He was a great musician with a ferociously strong personality that made him popular, loved and hated.
He was also an alcoholic and drug addict, and sober for many years.
In those years he loved to play golf and counsel other addicts, but still found no peace and seemed terribly sad sometimes. I remember seeing him lying on the couch after work, just looking at golf on the TV. Allen's thoughts would be some place else...
Allan was also my father in the truest sense of the word. Even though he was not bound by blood to love me, he treated me better that my own father. Allen loved me as his daughter. And I loved him as the father I needed.
He, despite his own oddities, was an amazingly positive figure in my life. He never talked down to me or told me that I was bad for acting rebellious. Rather Allen encouraged my forms of self expression which built self esteem for me. My biological father could never make me feel good about myself for who I was and
Allen saved me from a life of hating men for that. He made me feel good about being unique because being unique was Allen’s trademark. He helped me accept my immature teenage behavior as a stage of life that some of us needed, because he needed it so desperately when he was young.
He believed in me, saw the best in me and encouraged it. I will never forget this kindess. Allen was such a source of wisdom and encouragement for me, that I am sure I can credit much of my self acceptance to him.
Allen took time to get to know me and let me know him. I have seen him with all his guards down, broken and feeling alone. I was there when he openned his first bottle after the accident took his fingers. Actually I openned the bottle for him, in disgust, because he couldn't physically do it. I remember thinking he may die because of his addictions. My next thought was "Better that he be here and drunk than somewhere that he might get in a car again". It was Christmas time and he had just gotten home from the hospital.
Allen lent me my first taste of Charles Bukowski, which I gobbled up in an after noon. We spent hours talking about the stories Bukwski wrote. He also gave me my first taste of A. Crowley, although I am not sure he knew what he was doing. To this day I am still involved in magickal groups that admire Crowley and perform his rituals.
So much of what Allen did for me and things he said to me are still in my life now. His strength is in my heart and the wisdom of his years is in my mind. He learned so much about life in his short time.
I am a comforted by one thought as I sit in tears knowing I will never see him again: That he knows how much I appreciated him for who he was, 'cuz I told him.
I know he is at peace now.
Goodbye Allen.
I love you.
Jessica

[Professor Dumbledore]

Thank you so much for that wonderful post. My sympathies to you and the rest of your family in this difficult time, Jessica.

[M.Henry]

Thanks for that, selkhis, very moving. Makes me feel like I know a lot more about Allen now.

[Carmelita]

That is beautiful. In your sorrow, remember that Alan will always live in your heart. He would be proud to see what you have written. I am.

Hopefully I will meet you at his memorial next Saturday.

Respectfully,

Carm

[terrydactyl]

very nice
i too appreciate that input
ill be there saturday too
ive known alpo off and on for yrs, both here and in sf,calif. whenever the real kids played there

[Guernica]

What a wonderful tribute.

Alpo woulda dug it, even though (at least in the days when I knew him) he might have had trouble admitting it.

Thanks.

[woof.]

what a nice testament to the positive influence alpo had on your life. i didn't know him, personally, but it makes me wish i had the same experience...unfortunately...i did not. but this is not about me.

i'm very sorry for your loss. obviously, you have the real sense of how different things could have been.

alpo sounds like he was a unique and kind individual. consider yourself lucky to have known him intimately, and for the good things he brought to your life.

once again, my deepest sympathy.
all the best to you,
greg

[mach313]

A moving and lovely tribute.
Please don't discount your own impact on his life..
as I'm sure you have had.
My condolences and best wishes!

[JohnnyBurma]

Thank-you so much for your words. Of all the tributes already written (and read), this is the one which finally helped me to cry. This is the one which is, unlike the others, not about the musician, the friend, the fan or the addict - but the one about the person - the man.

And I am most sorry for your loss.

Thank-you so much for your words. Of all the tributes already written (and read), this is the one which finally helped me to cry. This is the one which is, unlike the others, not about the musician, the friend, the fan or the addict - but the one about the person - the man.

And I am most sorry for your loss.

Thank you. And thanks to all that send thier good wishes and sympathy. This post was part of an essay I wrote to help me get my feelings in order. And remember him as he was to me, because that's all I have now...
Thanks again and I am lookign forward to seeing the people that gather to celebrate his life.
Jessica

[Muso]

From the sound of things, ALpo raised a really great kid.

[Johnny Angel]

Alan may have been a hard person to deal with, but after reading this testimony, I came away with the feeling that what was really good about him was his lack of judgementalism. He knew his own pain and didn't try to stamp or imprint it onto his daughter--that takes real character.

In fact, all I can hear in my mind after reading this was Graham Parker's immortal line, "nobody hurts you/harder than yourself".

The bullshit that parents put their kids through, trying to get them to fit a pre-conceived ideal--I'm so glad Alan knew not to do that with Jessica.

More power to you Jessica and always know that your dad loved you, whatever happened to him.

JA.

[TXmom]

I was so moved to read your post. Jessica, you sound wise for your young years and able to process your feelings. That is such a strength. Thankyou for your words that gave me a glimpse of the grown up Allen. He had alot of crosses to bear but his spirit was one of playfulness and kindness. Hang in there. Just know that there are even people long distance thinking of you and wishing your family the best.

[Mrs. Rockit]

I didn't know Alpo at all and Rockit met him once. Bright Blessing Jessica - sounds like he was a good soul.

[HereWeGoSouthie]

http://www.tkorecords.com/